Sunday, after watching a fun Miss State football game and while nursing a Denny Chimes-sized hangover, the Tide basketball team dropped a stinker on us, losing to Mercer, Mark Gottfried remains perched at #4 on the College B-Ball Coaches Hotseat, and except for Ron Steele and Jamychal Green, it basically looks like, once again, we might have to look elsewhere than Coleman Coliseum to see good basketball games. Weds night the B-ball Tide hosts Florida A&M, either an opportunity to make some headway, or to lay another pooper out on the table.

I know, I know “How can you watch Basketball with a Number One football team out there!” but I strive for balance in my life. I balance out bacon with beef, I balance out fried chicken with surly looks at passers-by. And, now, I guess I balance out football success, with watching basketball futility. In the words of Coach Saban, “You can’t have your debbie cake without eatin’ the first debbie cake!”

But fear not, we’ll have some more Iron Bowl/SEC Championship hysterical rambling for you soon, my brothers and sisters.

Will Bammer beat Miss Bulldog?

I think the Yi is mad at me. This whole week I have been bombarded by requests from friends (and some that were more strangers than friends) to divine answers to their own vexing concerns. So, I think the Yi is feeling slightly misused. I think I need to implement a new policy: no divination on demand. The Yi answered this week’s Bammer question with the following:

Hexagram # 4 Meng, or Ignorance.

The ideogram is [multiple sprouts that cover or obscure a trapped boar]. See how they get ‘Ignorance’ out of this? Yeah, neither do I. Maybe ‘Youthful Folly’ is a better translation; it certainly ties into the theme of the hexagram, as you will see.

Personally, I hate receiving this hexagram; the Judgment seems always to address the questioner instead of the question. Here’s the Judgment:

Meng indicates success.
It is not I who seek the young fool;
The young fool seeks me.
At the first oracle I inform him.
If he asks two or three times, it is importunity.
If he importunes, I give him no information.
Perseverance furthers.

See what I mean? The Yi can get ornery if you abuse it. Here, it is telling me that it will answer my first question, but if I continue to bother it with the same question over and over again, it will make a fool of me. So, I’m going to stick with this answer, even though it doesn’t really seem to be addressing the football game. I really don’t have much to work with here; but, alas, I will persevere.

(Oh! Coincidentally, that last line “Perseverance furthers” could be translated as “It is beneficial to pay for the divination.” Just saying…)

((Oh! Also, “Meng indicates success”…for Bammer!))

Here’s the Image:
A spring at the foot of the mountain.
The jun zi resolves to taking steps to cultivate his virtue.

Since the hexagram is Mountain over Water, that is how we get the image of a spring at the foot of a mountain. Water also represents ‘danger’ though, so that is why the jun zi is told to increase his righteousness. Jun zi means ‘gentleman’ but it is literally the ruler, the one issuing the orders. So, the Yi is saying that Coach Saban should strengthen his character and be thorough in whatever he does. That Saban has repeatedly done this, there can be no doubt.

The image also describes a situation in which the little spring cannot advance because it is stopped by the big mountain. It must be guided, directed, told where to go by the jun zi. This is where the idea of Youthful Folly or Ignorance comes in.

There were two changing lines.

Nine in the second place:
Accommodating the ignorant is auspicious.
Receiving a wife is auspicious.
A son will bring prosperity to the family.

This line is the most important of all the lines in the hexagram, for it represents not the Ignorant Youth, but the Wise Teacher, the jun zi. Here, he is told to treat the Ignorant Youth kindly to ensure a favorable outcome. Incidentally, another translation of meng is ‘cheat’ (or ’sly’?). Perhaps Miss Bulldog comes in our house a-cheating; if so, we should not respond in kind. We will make the cheating Bulldog our bitch – err, I mean, wife – and can expect our favorite son (which one!?) to bring home the bacon. We should expect a commanding lead in time of possession.

The ideogram for meng is also interpreted as a choking vine. We can take this to mean that the cheating going on could be the kind of holding we witnessed in the game versus la Tigers. The home field advantage (and the Wrath of Saban) should ensure that this holding does not go unpunished, though.

Six in the fourth place:
The Ignorant Youth is fatigued.
This can be cause for regret.

There’s is no denying that we are a little wearied, a little dinged up after the game against la Tigers. The Yi tells us here that this can be a cause for regret. However, if we take into account the previous line, where we were NOT the Ignorant Youth, we can interpret this to mean that we will wear out Miss Bulldog.

So, hey this hexagram was a better prediction than I thought it would be, but let’s push the Yi a little more. Let’s flip the script, as you Americans like to say. And I mean let’s literally flip it. Let’s reverse the hexagram.

If we reverse the hexagram we get Water over Mountain, or hexagram # 39 Jian, or Obstruction. And since we flipped the hexagram, it’s only right that we flip the question. So the question turns into “Will Miss Bulldog beat Bammer?”

The answer, Obstruction or Difficulty, does not bode well for Miss Bulldog. The ideogram is [foot and cold (or poor circulation in the feet)] and is taken to mean ‘lame, crippled, and unlucky’. Lameness does not bode well for Miss Bulldog’s rushing game, to say the least. Also, I am now worried that Sly Croom might have diabeetus.

In summary: Bammer rolls. Bulldogs stumble.

We Fucking Control our own Destiny!
Coming into the year, I’d have taken 9 wins and buried myself in a celebratory bucket of greasy fried chicken, now Bama sits here in November 3 wins away from the National Title Game. Neighsayer columnist abound in just about every major national publication. What Bama needs this weekend is a Mercy Flush by halftime! Because, I’m makin some gameday chili, and some small intestines are going to be in an uproar before this thing will be over.

I Fear that Fucking Finger
Say what you will about Tommy Tuberville holding up whatever collection of appendages to denote his Iron Bowl streak in every shithole country he goes to, I fear whatever meaty finger that Sylvester Croom threatens to hoist up if Bama comes out on the short end in this meeting, I mean, shit guys…

Starkville is Fucking Close!
The Bulldogs have an installation 85 Miles AWAY, who let them set up shop this close to our home base?! What the Fuck people, we can’t have 3 meaty Croom fingers upreared just right down the road!

2 - 0
Alabama is fucking undefeated against teams that have the same mascot animal they have already played. Alabama is also 10 - 0 according to thousands of meaningless small sample size data points, such as “10 - 0 since I saw whales in California” or “10 - 0 since I got drunk and broke my phone”.

Why We are Fucked
The only Fuckedness I can glean out of this situation is 1) the Tide has lost to MSU 2 in a row and haven’t scored a touchdown on them since dinosaurs walked the earth 2) the Bulldogs come to the stadium where the Tide has played their worst, and Bryant Denny Advantage could get another Shit this Saturday night.

Why They are Fucked
MSU is basically worse this year, and except for Andrew Dixon and their defensive backs, there aren’t a lot of bright spots for them this year. No amount of cowbell ringing will help the Bulldogs muster up a run defense. It might be to early to speculate, but could there be another PROCESSED coach around the corner?

edit: TJ : I just want to come right out and protest this basketball preview. We just locked up the SEC West, we’re undefeated and ranked #1 in the nation. Why Alabama ManDance felt this was an appropriate time to look at the upcoming b-ball season is a mystery. Can’t you wait until after we beat Florida? Oh well…without further ado:

Last year, the basketball season was a trying time for Bammers that like their balls to bounce of the ground in predictable ways. The Tide ended with a turdlike 6-12 conference record and a surprising loss to Belmont (the hoops team’s La Monroe) shows that, despite all the efforts of Richard Hendrix, this team was not very good last year.

Losing All-American point guard Ronald Steele for the year to knee surgery got last season started on the wrong foot. That wrong foot continued to guide the team to an SEC Tournament loss in the middle of a downtown Atlanta fucking tornado where a last second 3-point shot may have Saved Lives. The team never really looked like they, ya know, ran plays. Also we had an odd as fuck confrontation between Mark Gottfried’s wife vs radio turd and coaching co Paul Finebaum.

“We’ve got five kids!” - Elizabeth Gottfried, yelling at Paul Finebaum, apparently about the starting lineup

Don’t worry Mrs. Gottfried, as soon as the weather gets cold and the F-Baum is convinced all the football coaches he can get canned are cleaning out their desks, he’ll once again turn his feiry gaze upon Bama hoops, and he will be hand counting the empty seats in Coleman Coliseum.

I know its been a while since you’ve seen him, but Ron Steele can be good enough to take the team to the NCAA Tournament by himself, as long as highly regarded freshman forward JaMychal Green and the other young big dudes can grab some boards and whatnot. Steele’s return carries enough weight that the Tide has been picked by the media to win the SEC west.

It hasn’t been all flowers and skittles this offseason, Alabama lost their top inside player to the NBA draft, 4-star recruit Tony Mitchell seemed to be on the team and then failed to qualify academically. Starting point guard Rico Pickett transferred with not-so-nice things to say about our Mad Mark, and energetic reserve guard Justin Tubbs also left the team.

Keys for the Tide 2008-09 B-Ball team:
A New Big Man - Can any of the experienced big men improve? With Hendrix’s Double digit rebounds gone to the NBA, Demetrius Jemison, Justin Knox, and Yamene Coleman will all return and see minutes this year, hopefully Jemison can build on the strong finish he had last season.
Free Throw Shooting - Can anyone hit free throws? Charity stripe bricklayers Pickett and Hendrix are gone from last year, so this team could have better odds going down the stretch in close games.
A Smaller Lineup - Can we run plays? or at least, just, run? The half court game mainly consists of five guys standing around flat-footed and passing the ball around the perimeter, this year there has been talk of using a smaller lineup and focusing on defensive pressure and the transitional game.

The fact is, Coach Gottfried, unless this team completely tanks, will probably be scowling around Coleman Coliseum for the next few years. We can just hope that new assistant coach and ruby-slippered meatball of energy Antoine Pettway can help bring out something more than boogers from the team this year:

Our Yi Jing was right on, I’m still reeling from the SHOCK of that game. An Ugly win is still a win though.

“Talking about the BCS…always wantin me to talk about it, it doesn’t do anything, in fact, it’s toxic!”

Will Bammer beat la Tigers?

This one is a shocker. Literally. The Yi answered with hexagram # 51 Zhen, or SHOCK, and the ideogram is [rain and atmospheric phenomena] so it is interpreted as a thunderclap, and this is a thunderclap doubled: the hexagram is Thunder over Thunder. A real shocker. A real surprise. So that rain we were waiting for last week has come, and it’s announced by a great crack of thunder.

Scary, isn’t it? Frightened now, aren’t you?

You should be.

The Image is:
Thunder repeated: the image of SHOCK.
Thus in fear and trembling
The superior man sets his life in order
And examines himself.

A sudden peal of thunder can make you jump right out of your boots. It can raise all the hairs on your body and make you wet your pants. There’s many a brave dog that will scamper off, tail between their legs, at the sound of a CLAP! and hunker under a bed or a table shaking with fear. It’s an irrational and instinctual fear, perhaps hearkening back to the days where we huddled, as naked ape-men and ape-women, together under the scant shelter a savanna tree might provide. And as you know, under a tree on a plain is a horrible place to be during a thunder storm.

Frankly, this answer from the Yi is a bit scary too. It says “the superior man sets his life in order and examines himself.” Why would we need to examine ourselves unless the game played out in an unexpected, shocking way? The image of the situation certainly does not bode well. Anyway, let’s move onto the Judgment.

The Judgment reads:
SHOCK brings success.
Shock comes-oh, oh!
Laughing words -ha, ha!
The shock terrifies for a hundred miles,
And he does not let fall the sacrificial spoon and chalice.

The reason that SHOCK brings success is because the first thunderstorms of the year (in ancient China) heralded the coming of Spring, which the trigram Thunder/Shock also represents. SHOCK also brings success because, as is the way with the tao (the movements of the yin and the yang,) an extreme leads to the opposite of the extreme: once you have reached a depth, you have nowhere to go but up, or as the commentary says, “Fear leads to blessings.”

When that sharp peal of thunder first crashes, everyone jumps up and shouts in (literal) excitement. Then, when the sound finally rolls itself away into the distance, everyone looks around and laughs at their reaction to the sudden shock. We laugh because we realize the level of fear displayed was unjustified.

This shock is fairly universal too; it affects everyone within “a hundred miles.” But there is one person that is not affected, and it is he we should look to for guidance. He is the one who does not drop “the sacrificial spoon and chalice.” In ancient China, one of the duties of a ruler was to carryout a certain ritual where he would dip a wooden ladle into a herb-infused wine and then pour the liquid over a sacrificial animal. The Judgment here tells us that this person does not drop the ladle when the Thunder claps. He maintains his composure throughout the short-lived ordeal and manages to complete the sacrifice. We can only hope the sacrifice involves a Tiger.

There was one changing line. Six in the second place:
Shock comes bringing danger.
A hundred thousand times
You lose your treasures
And must climb the nine hills.
Do not go in pursuit of them.
After seven days you will get them back again.

This line tells us that the SHOCK is so great that we must flee from it. It tells us to flee up to the nine hills, or the hill with nine winding passes. (It is interesting that we have taken 9 games to reach the top of our ‘mountain’.) And it tells us that we must flee at such short notice that we cannot take our valuables with us. But it tells us to not fret over this loss of our possessions; it tells us to not go rushing to regain them. If we wait out the storm, all that we had left behind will be returned to us.

My interpretation of this is that we will lose the ball a number of times. If this strikes fear into our collective heart, if we rush to quickly to get the ball back, these turnovers could spell disaster for us. But if we remain patient, if we are confident in our ability to persevere through tough times, the ball will come back to us. “If we love the ball, we should let it go.”

All in all, I think the Judgment “SHOCK brings success” is enough to predict a Bammer victory. I think we will be down at the half due to turnovers, though, and our patience and perseverance (through our defense) will carry us on to a victory in the end.

“We have a new rival in Fucking Alabama!”

-Les Miles, a vocally pro-F-bomb coach

This game has been marked on the Mosquito-Cat’s calendar in turtle blood since January 3, 2007. A whole order of evil spirits have been called down by swamp witches and warlocks. A minor controversy was covered this past week, when former LSU recruit Luther Davis claimed LSU Coach Les Miles called nick saban “The Devil”. Miles has denied the story, issuing a detailed response while stomping a cockroach the size of a cat, spraying cockroach guts all over the beat reporters:

“I clearly referred to that other team’s coach only as a demon or some other lesser hellspawn. Everyone knows the Devil went down to Georgia. While Alabama is very near Georgia, I would never risk the wrath of Lucifer by making such a comparison. Coach Saban would be more like a specific, goal-oriented lesser god such as Hades or Loki or perhaps the Persian Ba`al or the Aztec Mictlantecuhtzi. Though his small stature and acumen dealing with defensive backs may indicate that he is merely an imp or goblin who deftly snatches babies for one of the more powerful gods.”

What a Fucking Day
In 1996 Shaun Alexander had his coming out party in Baton Rouge, rushing for 291 yards and 4 TDs as a redshirt freshman. You know, the sortof stuff he did before he started hanging out in the Pacific Northwest and falling down at the line of scrimmage.

These Guys Fucking Hate Nick Saban!
If Bear Bryant came back from the dead, became president and outlawed titties, then Bobby Lowder convinced him to take over at Auburn, he brought in Michael Vick in as offensive coordinator and Albert Means as an NCAA compliance assistant, and then on Christmas Eve he hopped in a sleigh and flew all over the country delivering shit-filled Kermit the Frog toys to child cancer patients and burn victims. THAT is how bad LSU fans hate Nick Saban.

Thanks For the Fucking Penis Monsters
Will Wright, creator of Sim City and the Sims, recently drew upon his 2 years of education at LSU to create his most recent hit, Spore, a game where you win by uploading dancing dicks to youtube.

Why We are Fucked
Clearly, this is the worst possible time to get fucked, and if an LSU fan were writing the story of the Alabama season, the plot would take a comically bad turn at this point with Chevy Chase playing Coach Saban and tripping over lots of stuff and getting trapped in a septic tank. The game may hinge on an improved but still inconsistent Alabama quarterback facing a defense putting 9, 10, 12 people in the box. I personally hope, if Bama gets fucked, its cute little Trindon Holliday that does it, and not some epic JPW fucking it up.

Why They are Fucked
The away team advantage will be in full effect this weekend. I don’t think Alabama will play an awayer game this century and you can bet that the offensive and defensive lines will start out strong. The Tide have been at their best when on the road, and LSU brings their own inconsistent quarterback that tossed 5 picks in their lopsided losses to Georgia and Florida.

Note to Parents: Be sure to shield your child’s eyes from those who may try to remind Bama fans of the team’s current BCS ranking.

This week we look at all the bullshit surrounding Fat Phil’s firing, Bama’s #1 ranking and the LSU game.

We all know that the Purple Swamp People want all the attention to be on THEM, and they want us to feel BAD about our carpetbagger scum bag coach who left poor ole billionaire Wayne Huizenga high and dry, and they are pissed their little kid named Nicholas is constantly scorned and booed to the point he has to huddle up with the other 11 Nicks and form a preschool gang. SO what better time than NOW to look past this massively overhyped game vs 6 - 2 division rival? Fuck it, I don’t have to study fuckin film all week looking at how some right tackle releases from his anticipatory squat.

Alabama is now ranked number one in both the AP and BCS polls. Even with a let down this weekend, the Tide will STILL be the favorite get to Atlanta and the SEC Championship Game, Auburn and Bulldog streaks be damned like they should. Many of the “experts” already have the Tide lined up to get though November, only to get lit up by the Gators in Atlanta like a hot knife through a kitten made out of butter.

Florida has pretty much wrapped up the SEC East. Despite an early season fumble-em-up vs Ole Miss and Whiskey Eyes, the Gators have looked very good this year, introducing skid marks into defensive back’s underwear throughout the league. When Florida discussion comes up, ESPN will typically beat you over the head with phrases like “Blazing Fast” or “World Class Speed” or “The Bible Verse painted in Tim Tebow’s Eye Grease give him magical powers”, but the Gators strength could very well be their solid defense, which probably has more in common with their crystal egg hoisting 2006 team than last years squad that didn’t hold a single SEC team below 20 points.

The Good:
Alabama is 4th in Total Defense, Florida is 16th (NCAA Ranks)
Alabama 18th Rushing Offense, Florida is 24th
Alabama 2nd in Rushing Defense, Florida is 13th

The Bad:
Florida is 6th in Passing Efficiency, Alabama is 56th
Florida is 32nd is Passing Defense, Alabama is 34th
Florida is 31st in Total Offense, Alabama is 61st
Florida is 1st in Turnover Margin, Alabama is 41st (though, honestly this stat can be misleading, see OTS’s great Fumble Luck post)

Anyway, I know this is putting the sauce before the ribs, But it really doesn’t matter, since WE DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE TO PREPARE FOR THE GAME! Well, beyond decisions like “Beer or Liquor?” or “Which direction do we run from these Purple Clad motherfuckers that take this shit waay too seriously?”

Ahh. Homecoming. I tell you all, I didn’t fret over this prediction at all. Not that I’m looking past the Red Wolves and onto la Tigers, though the Yi seems to imply that that is quite alright in this situation.

Will Bammer beat the Red Wolves?

The Yi game me hexagram # 5 Xu, or Waiting. The pictogram is [rain arriving as slow as a growing beard.] It is Water on top of Heaven, and the idea is that you must wait for the rain to fall, and then further wait for the crops to grow. We can interpret it as that we must wait for next week, when we get a real game. In the mean time, we can party: this game is a gimme.

Thus the Image is:
Clouds rise up to heaven:
The image of WAITING.
Thus the superior man eats and drinks,
Is joyous and of good cheer.

It’s homecoming! Lighten up guys! It’s time to party; time to eat, drink, and be merry. And right we should! We’re 8-0 and ranked #2 in the nation. I don’t think we should be worried about a homecoming upset.

Waiting also implies preparedness, though. It is not an idle waiting (even though we may be feasting.) So think of this week’s game as a good time to prepare for the next week. It is OK to look forward a bit; we need a sufficient amount of time to prepare for la Tigers.

The Judgment is:
WAITING. If you are sincere,
You have light and success.
Perseverance brings good fortune.
It furthers one to cross the great water.

Waiting also implies confidence: confidence in our ability to mop the floor with the Red Wolves, and confident in our ability to cross the Mississippi River next week and play la Tigers. Our confidence is built upon our previous wins, our inner virtue, and our perseverance (here that word is again!) We have light and success.

“Xu means waiting, because danger lies ahead,” says the commentary on the Judgment. We can take this danger to be LSU, not the Red Wolves.

There were 3 changing lines.

Nine at the beginning:
Waiting in the meadow.
It furthers one to abide in what endures.
No blame.

We are a week away from la Tigers (the danger that lies ahead) and thus we can relax a bit (as if in a field of flowers;) and we can be confident in relying on our bread n’ butter: defense and throwing 3 excellent running backs at the other team.

Nine in the fifth place:
Waiting at meat and drink.
Perseverance brings good fortune.

Here is my favorite line, the fifth, which represents Saban or JPW. Here is his celebrating and feasting with his team. It’s a good time. Our favorite word (perseverance again!) indicates that there will be good fortune. It’s like this game is an act, a play put on to entertain those involved in the feast. I think we will like the ending!

Six in the sixth place:
One falls into the pit.
Three uninvited guests arrive.
Honor them, and in the end there will be good fortune.

And here the ominous makes its way into the party. “One falls into the pit” can also be translated as “He enters the cave” and it means that what we’ve been waiting for (the rain) has come and we need to seek shelter. I think it means that after this game against the Red Wolves, the real danger will approach. This is, of course, la Tigers.

The idea is that when it rains (when the top trigram Water descends) it provokes the 3 yang lines making up Heaven to rise. These 3 lines are interpreted as the “uninvited guests.” I interpret them to represent some aspect of the game against the Red Wolves in which we did not shine, or some weaknesses in our game plan that la Tigers could exploit. If we don’t recognize and solve these problems in our game plan, if we don’t “honor the uninvited guest” it could spell disaster for us. If we do recognize what the “uninvited guests” are, and if we do solve the problems they represent, there will be good fortune.

In summary: Homecoming is a party. There is much to prepare for next week.

Coincidentally, the resulting hexagram for the changing lines is # 18 Kun, or Working On What Has Been Spoiled. The pictogram is [maggots in a plate of food.] I think we can interpret this to mean that we need to clean up after our feast before we cross the “great water.”

Welcome Previously-Known-As-Fucking-Indians!
In this day and age, I guess we can’t go naming our fucking sports teams after geographically misnamed minorities, who lived here for thousands of years and we nearly wiped out through disease and war. Thusly, Arkansas State rolled out their new and improved athletics logo and mascot* this Fall. In a manimal-like transformation** in the hills of Arkansas, the tribe of Indians have become a pack of Red Wolves, hoping to minimize offensiveness and maximize intimidation. If only they would have picked a more unique animal, like a fever-carrying tick or some type of mollusk. Mollusca are horribly underrepresented as mascots, the UCSB Banana Slug being a notable exception.

Who The Fuck is Arkansas State?
Arkansas State is based in Craighead County, Akansas, by way of Jonesboro, which is a mother fucking Dry County(!). It seems they use “stAte” as their logo, in a way that painfully reminds me of that damn javascript programming class that I did really badly in. ASU has 11,000 students, and I really hope, for their sake, they still find ways to get into trouble up there, cause alcohol is limited to ‘private clubs’, which sounds far more devious than ‘public intoxication’.

The Voice of SpongeBob Neighbor Squidward Tentacles, Rodger Bumpass, went to Arkansas State

Why We are Fucked
The Tide has developed some serious trouble with kickoffs lately, and Drew Davis has had some serious problems pass blocking. The Indian-Wolves have a good offense and QB. They won at Texas A & M this year and only lost to the current #1 Texas by 8 pts last year.  Mainly, we are only fucked if our team finds surprising ways to beat themselves, like this:

Why They are Fucked
Arkansas State is fucked because the running back Cerberus of Coffee, Ingram and Upchurch will have a La-Monroe sized chip on their shoulder Saturday, and wanting this thing in the fucking bag early. The WolverIndians have not been tested this year, flaunting a schedule dominated by losing teams. The only team Div 1-A team they’ve faced with a winning record this year is a 4-Win Louisiana-Lafayette squad. Anything less than domination of this opponent will incite poll voters across the country to jump ship and Bama could end up behind Penn State, Florida, USC, Boise State and Spain Park.

Fucking Pay Per View
Sorry fuckers, this game is on pay per view, if you’re watching this at home with the volume turned down and Eli Gold cracked up on the radio, I am sorry, but, I don’t understand your brain. Bama HAS to put this away early, just to spare viewers from the blurry picture and the part-time sub-intern-level announcing crew. The Pay-Per-Dudes always sound like kids in 3rd grade getting called on to read. Viewers will be longing to be cuddled by the Raycom Sports army of Daves if this thing isn’t a blowout by the 4th quarter. Isn’t it just an anomoly of economics in that, you pay MORE for the game, and the coverage gets SHITTIER?

* This also helped Arkansas State grad students from Bangalor realize that, no, they will not be selling mango-jalapeno-pickle chutney at athletic events, reducing their confusion and culture shock

**Here is an example Manimal transformation, the bulging fingers give me the creeps:

The Intertubes are alive this week with this dude celebrating the Tennessee win, at first I thought this was TJ’s halloween costume:

Of course, once this got circulated around, the youtube comment thread turns into a train wreck people pissing on each other: ‘this dude is typical bama’ , ‘the barn ain’t never done shit’ and ‘get that dick out of your mouth we couldn’t hear you’. If only we could harness all this negative energy to heat our homes and power our cars.

His next video is worth it for the “Damn, this ain’t no mullet” line at the beginning, anyway, he seems to be handling his 11 seconds of fame well:

In other old news, in case you missed it, crazy Volunteer Ashley Todd (you know, the girl with the backwards B on her face) was arrested in a big bright orange UT sweater. Just not a good week for the Knoxvillains.

Hooray! This one’s got it all. More Tennessee shit-talkin’, Ark State disrespect and championship speculation. Dig in.

“We’re a blue-collar team”

Nick Saban has declared his group of players is a blue collar team. So the search for the Alabama’s football identity is over? I say it has just begun..

If Bama drops 3 out of the next 4 games: the old timey “back to work” neckerbow

If Bama drops one or two 2 of the next 4 games: The “we still love you” doggie-superbling

If Bama wins out: The safe word is “Electric Elephant Nuts” three times fast

Another Voltron of the Week
Julio Jones once again receives the SEC’s coveted Voltron of the Week award, awarded to the SEC’s most worthy Voltron. He defended the Bama’s universe from the Orange Hordes this past Saturday with over 100 yards recieving, and he celebrated the win by splitting up into 5 robotic lions and beating the entire offensive line in a basketball game.

Alright, Bammer fans, this week I rolled the coins one time and one time only. I asked the Yi, “Will Bammer beat the Vols?”

I received hexagram # 10 Lü or “Cautious Treading“. Remember that last week’s hex was # 9, so you can see this week’s answer is just the next hex in sequence. Lü, as a pictogram is that of a [body repeating steps] or “following a trail.” It is taken to mean “proceed with caution.” It suggests that you be as careful as an old man crossing an icy stream. Or, as the story in the hexagram tells us, as careful as a person following a tiger.

A hexagram (of course) is two trigrams combined. Here, we have HEAVEN on top of MARSH. Heaven is symbolically a tiger, and in ancient China the government was often compared to a tiger. In our situation, Coach Saban represents the government, thus Saban is the Tiger. (It could be any leader of the team though, like JPW. So, JPW could be the Tiger.) Under the tiger, and thus following the tiger, is the Marsh, which usually symbolizes joy. Generally, though, we can take the Marsh to represent the subordinates, the players and assistants to the tiger: the team.

The judgment of the hexagram is thus:
Treading upon the tail of the tiger.
It does not bite the man. Success.

The idea is that the presumptuous subordinate has stepped on the “toes” of his leader and master, but as this was done in good humor (Marsh is joyful,) the leader does not react harshly. This doesn’t make much sense right now, for sure, but the “Success” mentioned in the judgment is surely a good sign. I take it to mean that Bammer will win, but let’s see what the changing lines have to say; I received 3 of them.

Six in the third place:
A one-eyed man is able to see,
A lame man is able to tread.
He treads on the tail of the tiger.
The tiger bites the man.
Misfortune.
Thus does a warrior act on behalf of his great prince.

This looks bad, right? It looks like it’s saying that some gimp steps on the tiger’s tail and gets his head bitten off. But really it is not as bad as it sounds. The third line in this hexagram is a yin line, and it is the ruling line of the Marsh trigram. The Marsh, in addition to symbolically representing joy, also represents injury. And here we can see that injury described as a one-eyed, lame man over-stepping his rightful, subordinate position.

The commentary (by Confucius) on this line is that it is unlucky when viewed at the level of the trigram, but it is auspicious when viewed from the level of the entire hexagram. (We will see this in the next changing line, too.) Confucius is saying that this line is a warning. If the warning is heeded, of course there will be no misfortune. And if we heed the warning (ignoring the misfortune mentioned in the above) and concentrate on the last line, we can come to this conclusion: It is beneficial for the injured to to trust in their leader. Our team is certainly injured — we have a gaping hole in the middle of our defensive line — and it would benefit us to follow the directions of the Tiger.

Nine in the fifth place:
He decides on treading.
Despite perseverance, he is in a difficult situation.

This line (the 5th) always represents the ruler; here, it represents the Tiger too. I usually interpret it as either our Coach Saban or our QB. Here it is a yang line in the correct position, but why then, does it say that it is a difficult situation? Well, again, this looks bad from the level of the trigram, but from the level of the hexagram as a whole it will not be so bad. Trust me.

The reason this is a difficult situation is because the Tiger is being followed, is commanding an injured subordinate. The Yi is telling us that the leader must take this into account when he issues his commands. So, if Bammer is mindful of the injury situation, he will be able to escape this game unscathed.

Nine in the sixth place:
Look to your conduct while treading and weigh the favorable signs.
When everything is fulfilled, supreme good fortune comes.

This line kind of sums up the whole hexagram. It is saying that if you look back at the path you followed, and it looks like you stepped where you should of, then that will be auspicious. Basically, it is saying: If you guarded against and prepared for that which you were warned about in the preceding lines, you will be successful. So, did we? Will Bammer have avoided the misfortune of injury in line 3? Will Bammer have been mindful of the difficult situation and adjusted the game plan accordingly?

Let’s look even farther into the future to find out. Let’s look to the hexagram resulting from the changing lines followed in this one. Here is what we get:

Hexagram # 34 Da Zhuang or “Great Strength”. It is Thunder over Heaven. The commentary on the hexagram says, “Thus the jun zi (that’s the person following the Yi Jing) does not practice what is not proper.” This means: that we heeded the advice of “Cautious Treading.”

The judgment is as follows:
It is advantageous to be persevering.

If you watched Saban’s interview after the game, you would have seen that Saban likes this word “perseverance.” So does the Yi. And while I don’t think that Saban is reading my predictions, or that he is reading the Yi, it does mean that he knows how important it is to persvere. Perseverance leads to victories.

A Fucking Rivalry Game at Last
At last, our annual feud with the Knoxvillains, though not on the traditional 3rd Saturday in October, because the SEC uses some fucking Mayan Chinese Jewish New Year calendar when scheduling their games. So, yes Bammers, the Iron Bowl is no longer in a city that gives a shit about iron, and the 3rd Saturday in October game is not on the 3rd Saturday in October, and sorry Georgia and Florida fans, but The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party is actually in Emmit Smith’s pants.

Who the Fuck is Tennessee… really?
Tennessee Coach Phil Fulmer has reigned terror and misery from his rocky precipice on friend and foe alike, despite the embarrassing but noble efforts of redneck Alabama douchebags to bring him down via litigation. However, we can thank the Knoxvillains for Designing Women’s Dixie Carter and Cormac McCarthy of No Country for Old Men fame, whose recent novel The Road, is a thinly veiled post-apocalyptic metaphor for the post Johnny Majors era.

With this foreman grill and Julia Sugarbaker's head, I'll make us some nice panini sandwiches!

The Fucking Guns N Roses Era
The last time Bama was ranked #2 was 1993, also the last year a Guns N Roses album was released (The Spaghetti Incident, haha)… Now! they are releasing ANOTHER album, Chinese Democracy (the one song I heard sounded like some nu metal horse shit), and Bama is again high in the polls. Axl, you keep on rockin and churning that crap out!

Fucking Halftime?
Nick saban needs to break in a new halftime speech theme, this FINISH stuff, well, it just ain’t workin.

Not what we had in mind

Why the Fucking Orange??
Some UT President in the fucking 1800s picked orange and white because of the color of the hallucinogenic daisies around campus. That orange shit really made the students madder than a bucket of baboons, and they voted the orange out, but somehow it came back, so now they gather around in the thousands wearing hunting gear and naming their children Peyton.

Why we are Fucked
Being in the Top 2, we are constantly looking over our shoulder, and with good reason, having increasingly close calls against unranked teams. Also, we could never, NEVER be lucky enough to have the honor of pouring the cement into the the Great Coach Pumpkin’s fishing boots and dropping him off into the Tennessee River.

Why they are Fucked
They are fucked because tickets are still on sale! Wanna go?! I’m thinking about it! We can take a boat! Make some NOISE!!

Also:
Gobble Gobble Motherfuckers
Hopefully the Party Band will have a Vols song up, my weekend needs a theme song
Upside Down Dogs is quite possibly the best idea for a site, ever

The Tower of Bammer interviewed several Tuscaloosa dogs this past week, to seek their opinion on the Bama vs Volunteer showdown in Knoxvegas this weekend:

Waldo: “Did they cut off Smokey’s balls too???”

Chester: “What in the hell is Saban telling these kids at halftime? Is he reading them the week’s Dow Jones index?”

Beau: “I love away games, I can run around and shit on the trash-filled lawns around campus with a little more privacy”

Otis: “I’ve GOT to quit licking my nuts during the first half of the games, I’m missing all the fun”

Henry: “OMG The Big 12 can’t play any Defense! FAIL!”

Ella: “To hell with pass defense, someone better hook me up with some flea defense!”

Chevy: “Someone explain to me what type of person would volunteer to dress up in orange and get their ass beat?”

Ernest: “MAN! If Bama loses, I’m gonna drag my ass all over the Sunday newspaper and express my anal glands, hopefully there will be a Finebaum column in there and I can make it a two fer one”